It seems inevitable, almost like clockwork, that action movie stars attempt to expand (or resuscitate) their careers by venturing into more family friendly territory at some point. Whether this is because they are overcome with a sudden love of slapstick comedy and kid-centric humor or, the reason I ALWAYS bet on, they are desperate and need greenbacks fast and in large quantities. Now, that’s not to say that was the impetus behind the trip the Governator took in 1996 to Christmas town with Jingle All The Way, but sometimes a duck is a duck right?
The thin veneer of a plot that is stretched over this bare bones cash grab is as follows: Workaholic father Howard (Arnold Schwarzenegger) forgets in true absent father fashion to get his son a Christmas gift until the very last minute. Ditto for mail carrier Myron Larabee (Sinbad) who become Howard’s rival in the deadbeat dad olympics. “Zany” slapstick comedic situations ensue as the two race each other and every other last minute shopper around town attempting to find the last Turboman action figure. While all this is going on, Howard’s wife is being seduced by their newly divorced, creepy neighbor as she runs EVEN MORE damage control for her husband’s absenteeism.
Don’t take my harsh sounding words the wrong way and assume that I didn’t enjoy this train wreck of a commercial for blind consumerism because it’s quite the opposite; I think Jingle All The Way is a great representation of the “Christmas Spirit” that pervades so much of our culture this time of year. It’s full of great messages like “Even if you suck at being a dad 364 days out of the year, as long as you buy your kid exactly what he wants for Christmas all is forgiven.” So, sorta like that Plenary Indulgence dealie from Dogma I guess. But seriously, as far as goofy movies staring action stars, this one is at the top of my list.
Remember how I mentioned the divorcee earlier? The one creeping on Arnold’s lady? While Arnold’s busy running around town getting into goofy situations in the name of commercialism, he’s busy entertaining the neighborhood with a real live REINDEER! This strikes me as odd for a big glaring reason: Where the heck did he get it from? I don’t think zoos have rental programs and the nearest place I know of to get a wild reindeer is the Arctic. So yeah, maybe he’s the best dad ever and flew it in from the sub-arctic? (Sidenote: this guy’s son tells Arnold’s kid that his parents divorcing was the best thing that ever happened to his family because now his dad gets him all this crazy stuff. This movie is just chock full of positive messages!)
Sinbad plays the “bad guy” in this story pretty well and, dare I say it, actually displays a wider acting range than the name that put the asses in the seats (Arnie). Shocking right? Now, this isn’t really a feat when your competition made his name by lifting heavy stuff and getting pictures taken of his muscles for money, but you need something to hang your hat on right? Why not this? There are worse atrocities that have been released onto the film-going public in the name of quick cash.
This next one might be a bit of a low blow but I really can’t help but mention it because every time Arnold opens his moth in Jingle All The Way, it was the first thought going through my head. Arnold’s character is named Howard and he has a fucking Germanic accent. Really?! Suspension of disbelief is something I am very practiced in but this, this is asking me to stretch it pretty thin. Seriously, Howard? I don’t even think he can even say his character’s own name without butchering the heck out of it with his accent. Maybe I’m wrong; maybe there’s tons of Austrians out there named Howard. Maybe I’m just a dick for pointing this out but somebody had to be that guy and I volunteer myself as a sacrifice if that’s what needs to be done.
Anyway, with all this said I’m going to go and lust after some action figures on eBay and indulge my commercialist ass. Happy Holidays and I hope you enjoy whatever seasonal celebrations you subscribe to!
