Man, high school sucks royal donkey balls for quarters… all those fuck’n classes! All that fuck’n homework! Phys Ed! Fuck! Pop Quiz! Fuck! Getting a constant boner right before the bell rings because of Cindy Miller and her “Millers” (that just happened to show up during summer break)! FUC… wait, what was I talking about? Oh yeah, the horrors of high school.
Back in the 80’s, kids had to deal with gangs. During the 90’s it was school shootings. Now kids are faced with gay bashing and student bullying… Christ on a cracker it’s hard to be a teenager! Well… at least they don’t have to battle to the death with robots gone berserk like they do in Mark Lester’s Class of 1999. I guess that’s sort of a silver lining.
Released in 1990 the movie opening pays homage to John Carpenter’s Escape from New York with computer-type animation and a synthesized, monotone voice explaining that teenage gang violence in America is so batshit crazy that gangs have taken control of major suburbs, which are now “Free Fire” zones. Even though these are no longer top priorities to the police and fire departments and they will not enter these zones, The Department of Educational Defense (DED) still feels that each child should have a chance at higher learning, whether they like it or not!
Apparently the DED has had enough of drug abuse, violence, rape, and low-test scores. They hire the talents of Dr. Bob Forrest (Stacy Keach, who is clearly not an alien and/or robot), a consultant from Megatech™, the leading designer in military robotics/weapons defense. Megatech’s core mission is to clean up Kennedy High, the worst high school in Seattle. If they can bring this adolescent hellhole back to a place of higher learning, Megatech will score some big government contract. How will they do this, shock collars attached to the school desks? Self-sharpening, unbreakable No. 2 pencils? No, that would be silly. Instead they bring in 3 life-like, reprogrammed military robots as substitute teachers… that may have one or two bugs still left from their days in combat. What could go wrong?
So starts a new school year at Kennedy High with Cody Culp (Bradley Gregg, Nightmare on Elm St. 3), a newly paroled member of the Blackhearts gang that just wants to turn his life around. Turns out that dream is a little tougher with drug sniffing brothers like Sonny (Darren Burrows, Northern Exposure) and Angel (Joshua Miller, Near Dark) that just can’t wait to be “jumped in” to the gang. After being picked up by his brothers and a narrow escape through a rival Razorheadz ambush (man, drug addicts are lousy shots – Say No to Drugs Kids), the brothers make it to school intact and ready for another day of book learn’n.
During Cody’s first class he meets the new love of his life, Christie (Traci Lind, My Boyfriend’s Back), who also happens to be the principle’s daughter. The rest of the day goes off with a hitch… well, except for a small tiff with a Blackheart’s member, meeting the new Chemistry teacher/robot (70’s goddess Pam Grier) and an awkward moment with the “HistoryTron 2000” that gives out a couple of the funniest and most painful of full grown baby spankings ever caught on film.
The second day gets even better with Cody getting reprimanded by Principle Langford (Malcolm McDowell) after saving his daughter from being raped, then thrown around like a rag doll in gym class by another robo-teacher (man, Cody just can’t get himself out of these shenanigans). After doing some top notch investigating into his older brother’s death (yeah, he dies) and a Shakespearean twist by the cyber-teachers to pit the Razorheadz against the Blackhearts, Cody and Christie find out that these public servants are not what they seem to be.
I’ll be honest, I fuck’n LOVE this movie! It’s silly, violent, not too long, full of Scooby Doo-esque sleuthing, and – later in the film – an all out war between punk rock kids and educational robots that now are in full combat mode. Who will win? Will Cody and Christie ever get to go on a real date? Will we ever find out why Razorheadz ends with a Z but Blackhearts doesn’t? You’ll just have to watch Class of 1999 to find out.
PLEASE NOTE:
Whatever you do, do not watch Class of 1999 2: The Substitute. It’s bad, not fun bad, it’s BAD bad.
