Master Tatsu - TMNT

Does the outside world reject you? Has your family abandoned you? Do your peers not understand you? Well then, have we got an opportunity for you—JOIN THE FOOT! As a member of the Foot you get to hang out in a super-cool secret base, skateboard all day, smoke cigarettes until you puke and play stolen arcade machines PLUS stay out as late as you want. It’s not all fun and games, though. Before you become a fully fledged member, you must master the Five Tenets of the Foot…

  • 1. “Let any who challenge step forward”

master-tatsu_tmnt1Master Tatsu Say: “The sacred order of the Foot Clan must be ready to fight at a moment’s notice. It does not matter where you are; the hidden lair, the docks on the waterfront, a back alley, the grocery store, the pizza parlor, even on the toilet… you must be ready! Your enemies do not care if you are watching the latest episode of Game of Thrones… DVR IT! They will find you faster than you can say ‘Go ninja, go ninja, go!’ A true member of the Foot will be ready… ALWAYS!”

  • 2. “Never lower your eyes to an enemy”

master-tatsu_tmnt1Master Tatsu Say: “The Foot do not back down from a fight! You face danger head on, looking it square in its cold, beady turtle eyes. You will always stand your ground so that your master can make his timely escape. And if you DARE to question his methods or call him coward, you will know full well why they call him THE SHREDDER! (And he has a severe phobia of giant mutant turtles, ok? He can’t help it…)”

  • 3. “Mmmmmmm”

master-tatsu_tmnt1Master Tatsu Say: “Ninja must be silent as the wind. This is not Kung-Fu, there’s no need to howl like a baboon with irritable bowels! Ninjitsu teaches the art of speed, strength, and most importantly, stealth… NO SHOWBOATING! If you insist upon announcing your presence to your enemy, only Foot you will join will be mine… FIRMLY PLANTED IN YOUR ASS!!!”

  • 4. “Ninja… VANISH”

master-tatsu_tmnt1Master Tatsu say: “I spoke already of silence being key to defeating your foe, but it is only half of a greater whole. Ninja must be invisible to his opponent’s sight as well. After all, how can you attack what you cannot see? You must be one with darkness, which we ensure will be more challenging by making you wear flamboyant purple uniform! And remember, if all else fails, simply poke out the enemy’s eyes!”

  • 5. “Go… play”

master-tatsu_tmnt1Master Tatsu say: “Becoming ninja, or more importantly, a member of sacred order of the Foot Clan, is the greatest of honors and not to be taken lightly. However… it not all discipline, death, and destruction. The Foot know how to have fun as well. Every other Friday, we have all-you-can-eat buffalo wings and singles mixer at civic center. Also, Master Shredder hosts a karaoke night for all new recruits upon graduation. Foot Clan motto: Work hard, play harder!”

Artwork by Brandon Schaefer
Artwork by Brandon Schaefer

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Written by Patrick Renfrow

Born of a conflicted age responsible for the greatest cartoons and popcorn flicks of all time, yet the worst hairstyles and fashion sense known to modern man, Patrick Renfrow was assuredly predestined to become an unrepentant man-child in every conceivable way. His struggles to function in modern society through a strict regimen of cheesy movies, violent video games, nostalgic toys, and demented animations (with a whiskey chaser) are infrequently chronicled at Leisure Suit Lucifer, and he can be found skewering the "thinking man's" pop culture on a regular basis at Pop Mythology.

and WhatCulture!

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