If you’re anything like me, tomorrow will be spent gorging yourselves with has much guilt-free family cooking as possible before the inevitable remorse of unfulfilled New Year’s resolutions come full circle. However, the gang here at the clubhouse thought we’d offer a word of warning this Thanksgiving… be careful what you eat.
If movies like Attack of the Killer Tomatoes or Matango: Attack of the Mushroom People have taught us anything it’s that some food bites back! So, for this Thanksgiving we offer The Top 5: Thanksgiving Turkeys You DON’T Want at the Dinner Table.
Turkey Jerk (Mighty Morphin’ Power Rangers)
Stuffed full of incredibly bad puns and armed with a turkey baster blaster, Turkey Jerk is one of the most explicit sexual innuendos in the entire Power Rangers’ series. He also isn’t the brightest bird in the nest… think Tom Turkey in a suit of bio-armor with the naivety of Ernest P. Worrell. His one and only appearance is in the two-part episode, Storybook Rangers, where he’s subsequently blown to Turkey Hell by the Ranger’s “Power Cannon.” Awkward.
Bird Monster (The Giant Claw)
While never given a name or a species, this gargantuan bird from 50s sci-fi flick The Giant Claw is one ugly-looking mother. If you ask us, though, this fugly fowl is a “giant turkey monster” if we’ve ever seen one… a “giant fugly turkey monster,” but a turkey nonetheless. Could you imagine trying to stuff this bird? Heck, it could probably feed an entire small country… or stalk the shelves of your local Wal-Mart. Just saying.
Herschell (Blood Freak)
Poor Herschell. Over the course of Blood Freak, Herschell (a Vietnam vet) gets addicted to “the marijuana,” is tricked by two shady scientists into eating chemically-altered turkey meat, left for dead in the woods and awakens with a mutated turkey head (more of a chicken really) and a thirst for the blood of pot-smoking teens. At least, that’s the story until director Brad Grinter ruins it with a moral lesson about drug abuse religious redemption.
Chicken Dead (Poultrygeist: Night of the Chicken Dead)
So not everyone has turkey for Thanksgiving, sometimes a nice roasted chicken can be just as tasty or, given the nature of our list, just as rotten. Enter the overall chicken insanity of Troma’s Poultrygeist, which features an entire cast of killer, food-themed fowl. The lesson here? Stay away from fast food on Thanksgiving… and don’t f*ck in ancient Indian burial grounds, those things are always bad news.
If you thought all of those other birds were bad news, Turkie’s got them beat by a murderous mile. While the rest of our list may be annoying, weird or simply misunderstood, Turkie is the foulest turkey ever caught on film – a force of tasteless puns and cold-blooded carnage that includes rape, murder and making masks from human skin. He’s the Leatherface of Thanksgiving with the flair of Freddy Krueger.