The Rube’s Review: Friday the 13th (2009)

Otherwise known as Micheal Bay’s Friday the 13th… really? Ok let’s do this.

During the 4-minute opening credits, the whole plot of the original F13th is summed up with the battle of a surviving camp counselor vs Mrs. Voorhees. I have to tell you, as retellings go, this one is pretty kick ass. After that, the next vignette opens with a camping trip (which turns out to be a search for hillbilly pot), a campfire Jason story, and spontaneous teen fuck’n… with all of it leading to Jason LAYING DOWN GODS WRATH AND SMITING THE SHIT OUTTA EVERYONE! Man, the first twenty four minutes of this film kicks so much ass!

…and just after you see the words, FRIDAY THE 13TH, click the OFF button on your DVD remote. Really, this no joke, just turn it off. What you missed is seven, pretty, trust-fund teens bored at a hunting cabin (that has no hunting rifles) stranded against a feral, mentally handicapped man that apparently has a building degree… he’d need it to have built such elaborate, well lit underground tunnels to hide in.

The acting ability of the cast is sterile, except for the sex scene (1:07), which is overacted to comedic levels. There’s too much running around or dead time on screen to make any part interesting and, believe it or not, the death scenes take fuck’n FOREVER. Getting stabbed in the neck with a screwdriver shouldn’t take 3 minutes! Worst of all the end falls flat on it’s payoff. Jason get’s throttled with a chain pulling his head ever so closer to a wood chipper and instead of becoming “Voorhees Mulch,” he just gets a boring machete in the chest. Just thinking of it makes The Rube want to find his screaming pillow.

There, I just saved you an hour and twenty minutes… you’re welcome. At this point I was going to go on this rant about how modern day horror “re-imaginings” are just safe ways for a studio to make money off a past proven moneymakers, but what’s the point. Even though we all know that it’s going to be recycled monkey shit, the masses keep on seeing them.

Instead, take my advice and go see the ONLY one of these current re-imagaings that are worth a crap, not too mention overlooked: Fright Night. Believe it or not, it’s a pretty good movie and should tide you over until the DVD release of Cabin in the Woods coming next month (Sept. 18).