The Rube’s Review: Friday the 13th – Jason Goes to Hell (1993)

After securing the rights from Paramount, I really don’t know why New Line made this film instead of Freddy Vs. Jason. The only info that I could find from online articles is that New Line just wasn’t happy with it’s current Freddy Vs. Jason script or the other rewrite where Jason is killing East LA gangsters… yeah, Crypts and Bloods Vs. Jason, that almost happened! Anyways, New Line wanted to wipe away the predictable camp killer stigma and go for something new, something that would attract a new generation of horror fans and supercharge their new horror franchise… and what would be better way to do that then sending everyone’s favorite, masked man straight to HELL!

Before we start this review, I would like to point out two things about this movie. First, this one is just silly. I’m assuming that the writers had the Friday the 13th Edition of MAD LIBS, filled it out and then wrote a script based on their answers. Yeah, it makes it a funnier movie but one that that makes very little sense. The second thing about this film is that there’s A LOT of unnecessary DEAD TIME with all of the “getting to know the character” bullshit. Clocking in just under 90 minutes, this film could have easily been edited to 40-50 minutes. So, even though this is one of the funniest of the films, don’t plan your day off around it. Instead, put this on while you clean house, build a monster model kit or put your issues of Fangoria in order. Ok, let’s check out Jason Goes to Hell…

This installment opens with a tomboy taking a slow drive to Camp Crystal Lake before causing, getting, and changing a blown out light bulb and taking a shower in the dark… YAWWNNN! What’s the purpose of this? You hope that Jason is going be around that corner or appear in that mirror behind her, but he pulls a no-show for 6 minutes. Really?! I understand that the director was trying to build up suspense, but FUCK that’s a long time to force an audience (most of whom have been waiting years for a new Jason flick) to sit through some cheap scares with no payoff… but before the Rube can reach for his screaming pillow Jason (FINALLY) shows up to chase Little Bunny Fufu into the forest.

As we see our bunny hop in the brush, flood lights turn on and a calculated ambush of Merchant Marines with automatic weapons start to fire upon our masked man… what a sec! I need a minute to address Jason’s appearance. It looks like they fitted a linebacker in a cheap rayon Rubies Lumberjack costume, with a GIANT mongoloid mask with a hockey mask sculpted and painted on top. It’s almost like they used a time machine, went forward to October 1993, and bought the exaggerated XXL version of the official Jason Goes to Hell costume to be used in the movie which, to be honest, is just a poor waste of time travel.

Anyway, as Jason shakes makes ape noises with every shot, one of the Minutemen yells out “incoming” and JASON IS BLOWN TO SHIT by mortar fire. I mean blown to shit, there are body parts everywhere! As the camera pans to the ground to view smoldering Jason bits, it stops on his black (beating) heart.

Cut to some colorful autopsy commentary during the opening credits and and we find Coroner Richard Gant, who’s apparently decided to end his acting career by eating Jason’s still-beating black heart. This is followed by indigestion, a lion’s growl and a mini tadpole lightshow. Hey, I’m as confused as you are but I assume Jason’s soul went into him(?). Our assumptions are confirmed after Coroner Jason ends the life of his lab buddy and two security guards.

[Now, to save you some time, I’m going to go through the cast list and their connection to this movie]:

Robert Campbell: Ace reporter for TV’s Crime show, American Casefile.
Creighton Duke: Insane bounty hunter hell bent on putting an end to Jason’s reign of terror.
Diana Kimble: Mother of Jessica, and waitress at the local diner.
Jessica Kimble: Single mother and lives in the big city. Currently seeing Robert Campbell.
Steven Freeman: Estranged boyfriend to Jessica and father of baby Stephanie.
Joey, Shelby, Vicki and Ward: Joey maybe a ruff n’ tough owner of the neighbor diner, but is known to have a good heart. Shelby is her Lilliputian husband and head cook. Ward is their son/frycook. Vickie is a waitress.

[Since we got all the "getting to know the cast crap" outta the way, we can continue this charming story of love, loss, and mass homicide.]

After the deaths of security guards and forensic staff, Robert interviews bounty hunter, Duke. In the interview, Duke explains that Jason has the ability to transfer his black soul into anyone that he comes in contact with… WHAT-THE-FUCK? Ok, it’s a different studio, granted they can do whatever they want but WHAT-THE-FUCK? I guess we’ll just have to go with it and see where this little shit nugget trail takes us. The only other important info from this long interview is that there’s been a rash of killings leading towards Camp Crystal Lake. What better chance for the local diner, Joey B’s, to take advantage of the situation with 2 for 1 Voorhees Burgers with a side of Jason Finger Fries… now that’s classy!

As waitress Diana helps Duke (yep, just waiting around for Jason to get there) with his order, he asks (scares the shit out of) her for help. After exchanging words with her boyfriend, the local sheriff, Duke once again warns Diana that Jason is on his way to kill her. In fear for her life, she tells Steven (that also is just hanging around) to come by her house to find out the truth (?) about her daughter Jessica.

On his way to Diana’s, Steven picks up some hitchhikers/campers and drops them off at the lake. After some moonlight skinny dipping, the hitch-hiking couple goes to knock some boots in a tent while the third wheel decides that she wants to sleep out in the great outdoors. After saying her final words (dammit), she goes out for a walk that leaves us kinda confused, but before we realize that she’s just taking a squat, she gets Jason’d™ via coroner. Her copulating friends meet their demise soon after.

Next on the chopping block are a random cheating wife and the deputy. The housewife gets immediately dispatched while the deputy gets dragged, strapped naked to a table, and given a clean shave back at the abandoned Voorhees’ estate. Then the coroner gives the deputy a big kiss, transferring Jason’s spirit into a new body. At home, Diana gets a call from Jessica about meeting her new boyfriend Robert Campbell. While they have a mother/daughter talk about patching things up with her baby’s daddy (Steven), Deputy Jason barges in the house to give mommy the french kiss of death.

Diana manages to shoot the deputy in the temple but this only gives her false security as the living corpse knocks her down to her knees. While Deputy Jason is about to give Diana a slimy demonic french kiss, Steven shows up just in time to save the day… night… (whatever) by skewering him with a fire poker and gets tossed two stories, but not before Diana gets Jason’d™ in the back. As Steven holds dying Diana in his arms, she whispers that he needs to protect Jessica and the baby. Conveniently, the Sheriff shows up to see his girlfriend dead and Steven covered in blood (uh oh!).

On his way to holding, the handcuffed Steven walks past Jessica and his little bundle of joy. While in his cell, Steven gets belittled by his cell buddy Duke (why is he in a cell?). After paying a toll of two dislocated fingers, Duke tells Steven that only a Voorhees has the power to destroy Jason’s black heart, but it has to be done before Jason can seek Jessica out to be “reborn.” See, not complicated at all huh? It turns out that Diana is actually Jason’s long lost sister and is the only one that has the power to end Jason’s reign of evil… to quote Duke, “Through a Voorhees he can be killed and only through a Voorhees can he be reborn” Who fuck’n wrote this shit!

After Steven makes a daring jailbreak, he tippy-toes out of the police station to the diner, where Vicki is babysitting Stephanie. After a heartfelt bonding moment between Steven and his daughter in the diner’s storeroom, Ward walks in, throws Steven his keys, and yells at him to get out. With nowhere to run, Steven goes investigating at the Voorhees estate. He finds the Necronomicon (yeah, that book from Evil Dead) and, for some oddball reason, Robert shows up. Turns out the Robert is only dating Jessica to get bigger ratings (big surprise) and stole Diana’s corpse to later be found on his show during a live interview at the Voorhees home… what a douche!

After explaining his grand master plan to his girl friday via cell phone, Deputy Jason kicks through the door like the Kool-Aid Man and transfers his throbbing Jason mouthcock fuck’n thing into Robert. There’s an awesome scene of the deputy melting away and, after a short walk, Newscaster Jason attacks Jessica at home. Steven saves the day… yadda yadda… Steven tries to explain all of this Jason shit to Jessica while he runs over and backs up on her zombie boyfriend. Jessica strands him on the highway and goes to the police. Yadda Yadda.. Deputy brings Steven in… and then Newscaster Jason goes on a killing spree at the police station, killing the Sherriff, and a handful of deputies. He gets shot in the head… yadda yadda… Steven and Jessica flee the bloodbath to get their baby at the diner.

Already packing heat and thinking that Steven is the killer, Joey tells the lovebirds to stick their fuck’n hands up while Ward gets/walks to get the police. Ward takes a short stroll just to get Jason’d in the parking lot… then it turns into a John Woo gunfight inside, unfortunately leading to the deaths of Shelby (head in the fryer), Vicki (impaled), and Joey (bottom jaw smashed into her skull). After the failed gun battle, the couple find a note in the backroom that Duke has the baby and is waiting back at the Voorhees estate. Good going Duke. If he just put a note on the front door, everyone at the county’s only diner would still be alive to sell Jasonburgers to the public – fuck’n selfish asshole!

Back at the Voorhees home, Jessica meets Duke to get her baby back. He tells her about his personal vendetta to see Jason go to hell and tosses Jessica a hunting knife that magically turns into the Ajanti Dagger from The Golden Child, telling her that only a Voorhees can kill a Voorhees… and something about being reborn or whatever. While Duke rambles on about not trusting anyone, he falls through a trap door and gets his leg impaled. The Sheriff (that we thought was dead) comes by and demands the child, so does buddy deputy… oh, what is a mother to do?

Jessica decides to kill the closest person, which happens to be the Sheriff… who happens to be still alive. Now he’s dead now because Jessica stabbed him (oops!). Deputy Jason shows his true colors and when he’s about to give the baby the french kiss o’ death, Steven finally appears with machete in hand and takes a fatal blow to the officer’s neck. His body falls and the neck splits open like a pez dispenser to reveal a floppy, slimy winged demon thingie. WTF?! It crawls out to attack Steven and gets tossed in the basement.

Jessica and Steven pull Duke out and it turns out that the slime demon doesn’t have to be reborn through a “living” Voorhees woman. After doing the nasty with Diana’s corpse, the reborn Jason springs out of the basement fully clothed and masked. SURE, WHY NOT! After crushing Duke’s spine, Steven and Jason take the fight outside. A short and sad little 7-year old dirt fight later and Jessica finally shows up to stab Jason with the enchanted dagger though his black heart. “Soul pixies” go up to the heavens, forming thunderclouds, as Steven continues to beat the shit out of Jason.

With a final G.I. Joe kung-fu kick, Jessica thrusts the knife into Jason’s chest. The big brute is brought to his knees by what looks like Rockbiter’s hands (from the Neverending Story) and, since rock hands have no eyes, Steven almost meets the same fate until Jessica saves the day. After a laser light show, Jason gets dragged to hell. As the couple walks away with baby in hand, the camera focuses on Jason’s mask and *EEK!* FREDDY’S GLOVED HAND GRABS IT AND DRAGS IT BACK TO HELL. The end…?

SLASHER SCOREBOARD

FAMOUS FACES:
Steven williams (Duke) played Mr. X on X-files, stargate, and Supernatural. Steven Culp (Robert) went on to Deperate housewives. TV legends Erin Gray and Leslie Jordan still do a guest appereance from time to time.

LESSONS LEARNED:
Why own a car in a small town since it’s apparent that everything is in walking distance.

MEMORABLE SCENES:
Mortar atack!
Deep fat fried head!
Joey chocking on her smashed jaw.

MEMORABLE LINES:
“What… the fuck… is that?” (Joey pointing to a baby)
“Through a Voorhees he can be killed and only through a Voorhees can he be reborn.”

FUN FACTS:
Kane Hodder got to play Jason, standing Security Guard and was Freddy’s glove for the film.

BODY COUNT:
19… 20 if you include Jason (hey, he did go to Hell).