The Rube’s Review: Friday the 13th Part 8 – Jason Takes Manhattan

Ugh! You thought F13 Part 5 was bad, this one is even worse. Not only is it so bad that it was voted one of the worst sequels ever made, but the box office returns for this lead turdpile was such a disappointment (lowest for any F13 movie) that Paramount decided to wipe their hands clean of this problem child once and for all, selling him off to the highest bidder who, ironically, turned out to be New Line Cinema. (See last review).

Ok, let’s talk about this shit sandwich… in a nutshell, this film is about Jason getting re-reanimated (again), hitching a ride on a Grad Night boat headed to New York, killing more teens… wait a second, isn’t Crystal Lake landlocked? How the fuck does their boat make it to the ocean, pixie dust? Also, they should have just called this flick, The Amazing Nautical Adventures of Skippy J the Masked Sailor Man since almost the whole movie happens in the Atlantic Ocean, not in New York. Actually, if you take away the time that the cast spends on the docks, and later in the sewers, they only spend 10 minutes of actual time in the Big Apple. Really?!

God, this movie is so bad that I don’t even feel right reviewing this garbage. Why waste your time on this piece of shit when you could be doing something more productive like reading a book, finishing your last load of whites, or even baking a cake… hey, cake! You know what, fuck it! We might as well do something positive while we watch this unholy abomination.

Jason Voorhees Cake

First, lets get go shopping. Here’s a list of what you’ll need:

1 Box of Betty Crocker Super Moist Triple Chocolate Fudge Cake Mix
1 ¼ Cups of Water
½ Cup Vegetable Oil
3 Eggs (Cracked and in a small bowl)
2 8” Non-stick Cake Rounds, coated with a Non-Stick Spray (Pam)
2 Cookie Sheets (Make sure that the cake rounds fit on a sheet. Put the other Sheet in the freezer)
2 Trays of Ice Cubes (Yes, you will need ice)
Cutting Board and Knife longer than 8” (Bread Knife if you got it)
2 Frosting Tins
2 Big Mixing Bowls
Blender/Hand Mixer
Some Rubber Spatulas
Toothpicks
A copy of Friday the 13: Part 8
A TV and DVD Player near your kitchen

Okay, first press PLAY on your DVD Remote Control. While the opening credits and scenes of punks in Time’s Square, muggings, dirty subways, and dope addicts roll, preheat your oven to 325º – also get your liquids measured and your eggs cracked. While you’re waiting for the oven to get hot, you’re just in time to check out what’s going on at Crystal Lake. Two boating teens are about to “bang the drum slowly,” when the boyfriend decides to tell the legend of the Crystal Lake… because there’s never a better panty dropper than hearing a fuck’d up campfire story about teens getting machete’d to death by an insane killer.

Anyways, as he continues with the romantic pillow talk, the couple’s anchor snags on an underwater power line and *ZAP!* restarts the black heart of everyone’s favorite one-eyed killer. After hearing “a noise” and a Jason joke gone bad, the bed hump’n couple gets Jason’d™ via spear gun.

The following morning we’re back at the docks as parents say their (last) farewells to the graduating class of 1989. This year’s class of winners include Rennie, her dog Toby, Uncle Charles (Biology Teacher/Chaperone), Colleen (Rennie’s English teacher), Sean (Boat Captain’s son and Rennie’s future love interest) and some other kids that… you know what, to make things easy we’ll just call by their stereotypes: Punkrock girl, Film Student, Ms. Cocktease, China Doll, and the Jock. After Colleen’s heartfelt moment of giving Rennie Stephen King’s pen as a present, the Class of 89’ sets sail out of (landlocked) Crystal Lake to the open sea… but not before the cruise liner, Lazarus, picks up one masked stowaway. This leads into a short montage of 80’s kids cutting loose with shuffleboard, skeet shooting, and surprisingly dancing in rhythm on the dance floor… and a perfect time to move to the beat while you mix your wet into your dry ingredients for 2 minutes (via mixer, first on LOW and then MED).

Pour the mix evenly into the cake pans (now placed on a cookie sheet) and leave out to breath. After watching Sean give Rennie a cheap gold necklace, you’ll pound the cake pans to the beat of the horrible guitar rock solo that Punkrock Girl and Film Student are taping… about 25 hits each on a flat kitchen counter (to get the air bubbles out). You should be done by the time Rennie and Charles are done bickering about some past water-related trauma bullshit. Really?! Again, we’re going to have to sit through 2/3 of a shitty movie to find out about more repressed trauma that kinda-sorta relates to Jason… Really?!

Perfect timing to put your cake rounds in the oven (center rack). It takes 2 seconds and you’ll be back in time to watch Jason end Punkrock Girl’s music career with a Gibson Flying V to the face in the depths of the boat. Meanwhile, back on the upper decks, Jason starts stalking the rest of the teens. Rennie has a weird hallucination of a child drowning in her porthole cover (weird, huh?). Luckily, her onboard puppy barks and runs after the bad man. While Rennie goes after “Toby the Wonderdog,” she bumps into coke-snorting China Doll and Ms. Cocktease. Before you can say NARC, Uncle Charles stops by to inform Cocktease about her “overdue biology project.” Jason continues his rampage; smiting an extra in a sauna with a lava rock to the stomach.

It’s teen drama as Rennie falls overboard, another weird drowning hallucination exposing the child as Jason Jr. – yadda yadda – Cocktease and Film Student blackmail Charles – yadda yadda – Cocktease, Captain, and First Mate Jason’d – Rennie and Sean find the bodies in the control deck and calls an SOS on the loudspeaker for all the teens to come up. A storm ensues out on the high seas and, after losing contact with the coastguard, we get a cheap Jason scare from the ship hand. Jock declares himself in charge and leads his “lost boys” on a Jason hunt, while Rennie goes below deck to release the anchor.

China Girl looks for Ms. Cocktease, only to find her lifeless body, and Jason gives chase. After China Girl takes her last breath on the disco floor (what away to go!), go check on the cake. While the surviving group of Saved by the Bell rejects scrounge for weapons, you should go searching for some toothpicks and check on your cake rounds. Take your cookie sheet out of the oven and poke each cake in the middle. They should come out clean. If not, keep them in oven until Film Student gets Jason’d™ into an electrical panel causing a ship-wide fire and then take out your tray (don’t forget to turn off the oven!).

While Sean is trying to put the Lazarus back on course, pull out your frozen cookie sheet and put your cake pans on it. Then add a little bit of cold water and 2 trays full of ice around the cake pans (this will speed cool your cakes). Back on deck, the fire alarm goes off and everyone starts freaking out. Charles goes hunting with a flare gun, a nameless extra gets jason’d™ off a ship mast, The Jock get thrown off the boat, and Rennie has another Jason Jr. hallucination while being attacked by the real thing. Good thing she had that lucky pen laying around to stab Jason in the eye.

As Sean finds Rennie, the ship’s engine room explodes. Colleen wrangles up the remaining teens and tells them to stay in the lounge area… where, for some reason, they are left to die. While Rennie and Sean almost drown in the water-filled engine room, take a paper towel and wipe the bottoms of the wet cake round trays. With a spatula, slowly remove the cake rounds and place them on a cutting board. You will notice that the cake tops are curved. Get your knife and carefully slide it back and forth to make a flat top. By the time you’re done, the group of survivors should be abandoning ship. Rennie, Sean, Charles, and Colleen take off on a life raft, narrowly escaping another Jason attack. Oh, and the Jock and Toby the Wonderdog decide to show up.

This is a great time to mix your frosting because it spreads better on your cake rounds. Put your 2 frosting flavors in a large mixing bowl and beat for about 1-2 minutes until soft. Let it get to room temp and continue to watch this boatload of misfits make it to shore. After some stock footage of the Statue of Liberty and the Manhattan coastline, they make it to the docks… and so does our masked man! As he follows his out of state prey, Jason pauses to see a hockey billboard with a familiar mask (insert canned laughter here).

There are some misadventures on the docks, the groups gets mugged while Rennie get a dose of heroin – yadda yadda – two muggers get Jason’d, the Jock loses his head to Jason during a rooftop boxing match (really) – yadda Yadda – there’s a short police rescue, Rennie has yet another Jason Jr. hallucination causing a car crash that burns Colleen alive – yadda yadda – then FINALLY Rennie has a childhood flashback of Uncle Charles being a dick out on Crystal Lake.

While telling her a story about a young camper that drowned due to not learning how to swim, Charles throws Little Rennie out of a rowboat. As she learns how to swim the hard way, Rennie gets pulled under by the spirit of Jason Jr… which now kinda sort explains why the adult Jason is still chasing them(?). So, since Jason didn’t get the drowning job done as a kid , he’s back to finish her…? Sure, ok, we’ll just go with it. Jason soon catches up with the group and drowns Charles in a vat of icky goo (toxic waste). Now it’s just the lovebirds left to run and see all the wonderful sights that the Big Apple has to offer such as… the city’s subway?

After a narrow getaway, the teens take a stroll down un-gingerfied Times Square which is jam packed full of tourists, hookers, bums, and other urban stereotypes. While Jason is in pursuit, he punts a hip hop blaring Boombox (a large duo speaker portable record/audio tape player, for you kids out there) away from Arian teen punks. As they get ready to rumble, Jason politely lifts his mask to show off his poker face and they run away in horror. While the kids take off to lead better lives, you should go and frost your cake before the big finale… don’t worry, all you’ll be missing is a trip to an “Authentic” NY Deli that leads the two into the city sewers(?).

Whatever… back in the kitchen lay one cake round on a large plate. Then, with a flexible spatula, put a big glob of frosting in the center. While turning your plate, start smearing your frosting away from the center until the top is fully covered. Place the second round on top of the frosted one and repeat, then frost the sides. To make it look professional, use a wet paper towel(s) and clean around the frosted cake/plate edge. Once done, stick in the freezer.

By this time you should have made it back to the part where Rennie stands up to her masked attacker, splashes a bucket of toxic waste to reveal Jason’s rotting pumpkin face. Rennie and Sean make a break for it up a ladder, just in time to escape a roaring rapids of toxic waste (wtf?). This river of sludge converts the once rotting homicidal killer into his drowned 10 year old self sporting his dads boxer shorts… WHAT? HUH? WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED? The daring duo make it back to the city’s streets and are greeted by Rennie’s dog. The sun starts to rise on the city while the end credits scroll up, up, and away… The End!

I told you that this movie was fuck’n horrible, but I’m proud of you guys for sticking it through. You worked through the cinematic pain and now are a better individual for it. For that you deserve a medal and, as luck should have it, there’s a chocolate one waiting for you in the freezer. Enjoy!

PLEASE NOTE:

Your finished cake may differ from the one pictured above. Since the Rube has seen this crapfest over and over again, he had a little bit of extra time to decorate his cake with a vanilla frosting hockey mask, cherry eyes and red vines trim.

SLASHER SCOREBOARD

FAMOUS FACES:
None! Most of these people sealed their acting coffin with this stinker. Aside from soap star Scott Reeves (Sean), only a few made it back as TV extras. Saffron Henderson moved on from her role as Punkrock Girl (J.J.) to doing the voice of Goku (Dragonball Z) and other amine characters.

LESSONS LEARNED:
Not a single one but at least you got to make a cake!

MEMORABLE SCENES:
Punkgirl getting Jason’d in the head with her guitar
Jock Vs. Jason
Jason seeing the billboard
Times Square Punks Vs. Jason
Toxic Pumpkinface!

MEMORABLE LINES:
“Take your best shot… motherfucker!”
“You’re dead meat slimebag!”
“Look, you don’t understand, there’s a maniac trying to kill us!”
“Welcome to New York!”

FUN FACTS:
In the NY deli scene, the man that Jason (Kane Hodder) throws into the mirror is Ken Kirzinger, who would go on to play Jason in Freddy Vs. Jason.

In the original script, Jason was supposed to kick the dog to death but animal lover Kane Hodder (Jason) said it was going too far… so *POOF!* Toby the Wonderdog disappears after the docks just to magically reappear later at the end.

BODY COUNT:
17+ if you count the abandoned teens left on the sinking boat.