The Rube’s Review: Friday the 13th Part 4 – The Final Chapter (1984)

Let’s see how fast I can get done with this intro… there’s 3 minutes of a confusing recap using the Friday the 13th Part 2 campfire story to tell the story of Jason, which would be fine, but it uses montage material from Parts 1, 2 and 3 to tell his story. I know that the Rube shouldn’t be nitpicking, but how do you tell a campfire story with a montage using future events (aka death scenes from Friday the 13th Part 3)? Once again this just makes my head hurt and all I want to do is scream into a pillow, which I’m sure the film’s Editor did at least a dozen times after fighting with the Director about how this doesn’t make any sense. Anyways, after that montage the movie cuts to a black screen and the iconic hockey mask appears with THE FINAL CHAPTER racing behind it, like it was on a Hot Wheels track, and eventually EXPLODING THROUGH THE MASK!

The movie opens at Higgins Haven, right after the events of F13 Part 3. There are cops and ambulances everywhere tagging bodies and collecting evidence. Paramedics take Jason’s body to the local hospital/morgue to be processed. A couple of scenes later and we meet a sleazy MD making necrophilia jokes while scaring the bejesus out of a nurse who then decides to give the creep a little loving… right next to JASON’S COLD, DEAD CORPSE! While trying to “DO the DEW” on a nearby gurney, Jason’s clammy hand brushes the nurse’s leg. She freaks out and we get to hear the one of the best cuss lines in any movie:

JESUS CHRISTMAS!… HOLY JESUS GOD DAMMIT!… HOLY JESUS JUMPING CHRISTMAS SHIT!

The nurse zips up her top and runs off in a huff, leaving the MD to continue watching his spandex-laden soft core porn (aerobics) on TV. The perv gets what he deserves when Jason gets up, slits the MD’s throat with a surgical hacksaw, and spins his head 180 degrees. Then, Jason takes out the nurse with a scalpel to the chest. After that I guess he walks to the nearest bus stop, catches the #12 and, two transfers later, ends up back at Camp Crystal Lake. For some odd reason the scene cuts to a mother and daughter jogging in the woods, which we pray to God isn’t the start of a conversation about “Not Feeling so Fresh.” Luckily, our prayers are answered when they head back to their cabin home to be greeted by a monster mask making/wearing son, Tommy (Corey Feldman).

Ok, I would like to take a sec to mention something that has always bothered the Rube about this movie. I will NEVER believe that a kid (especially Corey Feldman) could create top-notch movie quality masks and props. Making masks not only takes a certain skill set but you have to know high degrees of math and chemistry to make these works of art. Do you think an 10 year old knows how to calibrate a laboratory grade triple beam balance scale with counterweights to measure the proper amount of dry to wet ratio to mix mask quality latex? HELL NO! They know how to fart on cue, ride a bike, and play with Thudercats figures in the dirt… sorry, didn’t mean to get all bitchy and off track again. Where’s that pillow?! Ok, let’s just get back to the review.

Let’s meet our latest group of victims, shall we? There’s Ted (which is so cool with sleeveless jean jacket), Jimmy (Crispin Glover); his awkward best bud and… you know what, fuck it! There’s really no reason to mention the other four teens by name, they’re really just reasons to see some titties and fill up body bags. Long story short, Big Jim is pining over an ex-girlfriend and his best pal Ted is giving him macho man advice about women while belittling him with the words “dead fuck” (which means he’s a bad lay, for all the kids not hip to the 80’s lingo).

Anyways, as they drive to the lake house, the kids make fun of a tubby, hippie hitchhiker who gets knifed in the throat while eating a banana. After the long drive, they finally make it to the lake house which is next door to aforementioned family cabin. Trish, Tommy, and Gordon (the family dog) go next door for introductions and after a brief moment of adolescent peeping tom’foolery by Tommy the movie continues to the next morning. As they take a stroll down to the lake, they run into two smoking-hot Double Mint twins, Tina and Terri.

One of the girls goes back alone for the car while everyone else continues to the lake to go skinny-dipping (27 minutes in, if anyone was wondering). Meanwhile, Tommy and Trish meet a hitchhiker/camper by the name of Rob. They give him a lift to the house where Tommy shows off his “mask making abilities”. Later that evening, the kids are having a house party, complete with the requisite booze and pot smoking which somehow leads them to watching an old stripper film from the 30’s while one of the twins “does it” with Big Jim upstairs. The other sis gets jealous, pouts, and rides her bike home in the rain, but doesn’t get too far as she gets speared in the back.

Next door, the power goes out and single mom calls out for Trish, Tommy and Gordon the Wonderdog leading to her getting killed off camera. Trish and Tommy come home to a dark cabin and start looking for mom. Back at the lake house Jimmy gets gets one hand corkscrewed to the table and a cleaver in the face, Ted gets a knife in the back of the head and the couple upstairs gets killed in the shower (his head gets crushed and she gets a flying axe to the chest). Then there’s like 30 minutes of Rob and Trish investigating more noises, running, and hiding through the two homes.

While Tommy is left alone (Safety First!), he reads all of Rob’s newspaper clippings about Jason and devises a plan. Rob gets killed with a gardening tool (?) trying to save Trish and more cat and mouse antics ensue. Gordon the Wonderdog dies and Tommy locks himself in the bathroom with a razor and can o’ shaving cream. While Jason has Trish by the throat, a newly bald Tommy yells and gets Jason’s attention. While they play Mirror Mirror, Trish sadly swings a machete at Jason’s face, knocking off his mask. We waited all night to see his mangled sourpuss and the makeup doesn’t disappoint!

Tommy picks up the machete and swings the final deathblow, embedding the blade into the side Jason’s pumpkin head. The machete slides in deeper as Jason falls forward onto the machete’s handle (SO COOL!). Right after a group hug, Tommy goes all medieval on Jason with the machete. Trish and Tommy both end up in the hospital where, once again, they hug but the movie ends with Tommy’s blank face and crazy eyes…

I really like this one since this was the first F13 that I got to see one the BIG SCREEN when I was a kid. Not only that, it had nudity PLUS I got to see a lot of great special effects such as a machete chop down Jason’s hand, the prosthetic mask work and the final headshot and cranial slip’n slide down on the machete. Additionally, it was very rare to not only see a kid in a R-Rated movie, but also as the hero that saves the day. Storywise, it showed that Jason is an unstoppable killing machine, which could take A LOT of abuse but will still come after you.

SLASHER SCOREBOARD

FAMOUS FACES:
Corey Feldmen, Crispin Glover, and a whole bunch of people that have appeared as victims on various court dramas or some sort of soap opera.

LESSONS LEARNED:
For the last time STOP HITCHHIKING!

MEMORABLE MOMENTS:
80’s TV aerobics
DoubleMint Twins
Nerd Dance
Supercool Jason death scene!

BODY COUNT: 13 + 1 Dog… sorry pooch!