The Rube’s Review: Friday the 13th Part 3 (1982)
So, once again, to save money and fill in time there’s a 6 minute recap from Friday the 13th Part 2, but this time instead of Ginny waking up you get to see Jason get up from playing possum. There’s a shot of Mrs. Voohees (Mrs. Potatohead?) with Friday the 13th Part 3 shooting our of her eyeball, like a lazer Jack-o-Lantern, with theme music that you would expect from Paul Lynde’s Halloween Special (oh man, I almost want to do a RR on that!). The horror/disco theme mix rocks so much that you can’t help to move to the beat as you watch the popping red credits.
The actual film starts the next night at a bait shop/homestead and, for some reason, we’re introduced to a bitchy wife in curlers yelling at her husband though a small window about the outdoor laundry. Yep, that’s what I exactly want to see in a theater on a Friday night; a 30-something housewife dressed like a house ridden woman in her 60’s, belittling her short, hardworking man about fucking up the whites?
Anyways, after her outburst, little Frumpy Gumpy watches the news about some Crystal Lake shenanigans and hears a BANG outside. After mistaking a haunting 6ft+ figure for her husband, she gets worried… about her laundry. Back at the bait shop, Harold (the husband) escapes to visit his only friends; two goldfish and a bunny before little Mrs. Bitchface yells about his donut snacks and he’s forced to the only area that a man is still king: the toilet. Unfortunately, his reign is literally cut short with a meat cleaver to the chest. The Evil Queen soon follows with a knitting needle to the back of the head. Wow, what a way to bore an audience for 16 minutes!
Now let’s meet this years winners of “Why the fuck should I care what your name is, your going to get killed anyways!” contest… we have Chrissy; owner of Higgins Haven and some sort of camp accident victim, Andy and his pregnant high school sweetie, Debbie, along with Chuck and Chili; a pot-smoking hippie duo and Vera; who happens to be an unlucky blind date to Shelly… fuck’n Shelly. Why does there always have to be a prankster in these movies? I guess we’ll start the clock and see how long it takes Jason to bump him off.
The group piles into a poor man’s Mystery Machine and head off to the woods for some summer R & R. There’s scenes of an impromptu doobie-eating competition (due to police racing past them) and being scared by a scraggly old hermit with an eyeball until finally the gang makes it to Higgins Haven where they meet up with Chrissy’s on/off summer boyfriend (?), Rick. Shelly immediately makes an ass of himself with the old “axe in the head” trick, everyone files a mental restraining order and stays 10 feet away from this psycho. Debbie, however, takes pity on him and they head to the local store for snacks and supplies, just to run into the most saddest crossbreed trio of 80’s punk biker stereotypes.
After a near fatality over $20, the Debbie and Shelly make their escape back to the camp, just to be tailed by the biker gang (which I understand is pretty hard to do unnoticed, as the blaring engine would be a dead giveaway). Anyways, as the punks sneak back to Higgins Haven to siphon the Mystery Machine’s gas (Why? I don’t know?), Jason “takes care of” the terror trio one by one; two by pitchfork and the leader with a wrench to the head.
The sun goes down and Chrissy and Rick have a heart to heart which leads to Chrissy having a flashback about being chased (ie. dragged to her death) in the woods by a tall dark stranger when she was young and waking up in her bed. Meanwhile, back at the cabin, Vera rejects Shelly (duh!) and heads to the docks near the lake, Andy and Debbie go have disgustingly hot hammock-preggo sex upstairs and the two forgotten stoners head to the barn give Shelly a taste of is own medicine.
At the docks, Vera arrives just in time for everyone’s favorite asshat (*cough*Shelly*cough*) to scare her in a wetsuit, hockey Mask and a loaded speargun (WTF?). I never understood what these obscure items would be doing in the woods and even if you’re the greatest prop comic, why would you take any of these things with you on a camping trip – especially a weapon – if there’s a slim chance of you getting laid. I think at this point, a love crushed Jason, sees Shelly’s prop play as a form of cock-blocking. So guess what? Somebody has to go!
Anyways, Jason, now in full hockey masked attire, finally puts an end to all of this boring shit and starts going on a killing spree! First armed with a speargun he shoots Vera through the eye, then he wastes no time hacking that hand-walking Andy in two (who does he think he is, trying to get girls wet by walking on his hands?!). Debbie gets stabbed through the back, Pa’ Hippie gets electrocuted while checking the circuit breakers, Ma Hippie finds Shelly walking around with his throat slit shortly before being impaled with a red hot fire poker.
Chrissy and Rick make it back to an empty cabin where they split up to look for their friends. Chrissy immediately loses Rick, who gets his head crushed by Jason which causing his eye to pop out of his skull. Now all that’s left is Chrissy’s walk into a mini Grande Gallery and to battle Jason. The two end up in the barn where there’s a lot of fighting, screaming, and hiding leading to Jason getting a lovers tap with a shovel. Chrissy ties a bail rope around Jason’s neck, he falls and *SNAP!* breaks his neck. Chrissy tries to run, but it turns out that you can’t keep a good man down, and Jason goes after Chrissy one last time… just to be attacked by the leader of the biker gang! You never saw that coming in a million years, huh?
While Jason is taking the biker’s face to Machettetown, Chrissy picks up an axe and wangs the big brute in the braincase, putting him down for good. Then, for some reason, she takes a siesta in a canoe and hallucinates Jason busting out the back kitchen door (to tell her that waffles are ready) while his mom jumps out of the lake to give her a good morning kiss. She wakes up and starts screaming batshit crazy as she’s taken away in a police car. The End!
All kidding aside, other than the eye-popping 3D effects, there really wasn’t a reason to make this one. Only budgeted at $2.5 Million, F13 Part 3 brought in $36.6 Million (yeah, really!) and those were only domestic box office numbers for an off-season movie (not opening in July). Thats like making $182 million dollars off a $12 million dollar movie by today standards, no wonder why Paramount tried to sequel the shit out of this franchise. While it isn’t the best horror movie in the world by any standard, the film was the first 3D movie to come out from a major studio in the last 30 years and EVERYONE wanted to go see it! Also, with all of these 80’s slasher movies, you were going for the gore factor and a place to make out; not for a great story. If you wanted a movie with story, you went to see Gandhi (Winner of Best Picture 1983).
Since 27% of blind dates tend to fail (online poll), maybe trapping two people with no similar interest in a remote cabin getaway for the weekend isn’t the greatest idea.
“That’ll be eighteen dollars and fifty cents. We don’t accept no food stamps!”
“HEAVY SHIT! (After smoking a joint while poop’n)”
Debbie Reading Fangoria #1, looking up and seeing Andy folded in half on the ceiling, 3D Popcorn, Rick’s eye popping out (1hr 20 min mark).
Body Count: 12 (13 if you’re pro-life).