This stands as arguably one of the most highly anticipated week’s in this strange kid’s life… it’s the week counting down to the U.S. premiere of Marvel’s The Avengers on the big screen. Five films and four years in the making (no, Ang Lee’s Hulk does not count), fanboys and girls have patiently awaited the day the core team (Iron Man, Thor, Captain America and Hulk) would come together under one roof. Now, the wait is (almost) over and we plan on celebrating the occasion here at the clubhouse with Avengers Assemble! Week – a week long series of posts, countdowns and fun facts featuring Marvel’s Mightiest Heroes.
We kick things off today by sharing our Top 5 picks for Lamest Avengers Member ever to join the team. The length of membership and status will play no factor… if they were ever officially listed as members (honorary, reserve or otherwise) and they sucked worse than a carton full of rotten eggs, it counts.
5) Great Lakes Avengers
Okay, so technically this one is a cheat, but come on! The entire roster of the Great Lakes Avengers (Mr. Immortal, Doorman, Flatman, Big Bertha, and Dinah Soar) qualifies as one nasty blemish in Avengers history. Not only were they never members of the Avengers at all, but they even received a cease-and-desist order to stop using the name. The Avengers took legal action against them because they were so lame – that’s got to hurt down somewhere deep!
No, the “D” doesn’t stand for “douchebag” or anything like that, but it probably would be a bit more appropriate. D-Man (short for Demolition Man) is actually a less powerful, less cooler (and much whiter) version of Luke Cage. His powers consist of superhuman strength, endurance and resistance to injury (isn’t that technically a survival instinct?) don’t make him much different than a Speed Junkie, which might also explain his choice in fashion.
With a name like Deathcry, you could only expect this character to have joined during the “extreme” era of the 90s… and you’d be right. A member of the Shi’ar Empire, Deathcry was sent to “protect” the Avengers from a possible Kree attack by her queen (Lilandra), but all she really did was hang around and sulk. In a way, she was sorta like a female version of Wolverine (bad attitude, loner, savage battle instincts), only she wasn’t hardly as cool. She did apparently have the power to make babies cry – go figure.
Not to be mistaken for Nintendo’s space-faring Star Fox (two words), Marvel’s Starfox is brother to super-villain Thanos, a member of the Eternals (an ancient race of superhumans) and an accused rapist (don’t worry, he was later acquitted). You see, Starfox possesses an “euphoria effect” that stimulates the pleasure center of the brain which he can use to influence people. It’s sorta like a pervy Jedi mind-trick, only it’s usefulness in the midst of battle is questionable at best. Besides, the dude just looks like a jerk.
When it came to the lamest of the lame, I just couldn’t decide which warrior woman had it worst, Deathcry or Silverclaw. Don’t get me wrong, there are plenty of memorable, female Avengers that have come and gone over the years, but these two are not among them. Ultimately, though, Silverclaw’s off-the-wall transformations took the cake. A one-woman Wonder Twin, Maria De Guadalupe Santiago (aka Silverclaw) can “mimic the physical characteristics of various animals native to rainforests and jungles.” You know, animals like jaguars, snakes, crocodiles, cockatoos, llamas… what?! Silverclaw, you so crazy girl.