Apartment hunting is the worst. I’m currently on the prowl for a new homestead to rest this weary head of mine and it just seems that your dollar doesn’t stretch as far as it used to in today’s housing market. If I wanted to buy, maybe, but I’m saving up for a race-car bed too. As I continue to cross my fingers for credit scores and background checks here’s a list of films dedicated to all those  with cardboard paper cuts, not enough duct tape, and friends with more excuses than reasons to help you schlep your life away in boxes.

I present the ultimate list of MOVIES FOR WHEN YOU’RE MOVING!

The Money Pit – Be weary of what’s too good to be true. Everyone nowadays considers themselves capable of producing their own hit reality show for HGTV. Well, I’m here to tell you you’re not. You will burn, crush, stab, staple, hammer, twist, scrape, nail, and electrocute yourself just getting out of the parking lot at Home Depot. If you need proof watch this fun little romp with Tom Hanks before we all had to start taking him serious when he yells at volley balls.

The Beyond – Imagine you have all your savings, all your dreams wrapped up in fixing up your dream of a quaint Bed & Breakfast. It’s bad enough if you have crappy plumbing, but it’s even worse if it’s all the run-off from Hell itself. Imagine having to work on this place too. Lead paint to scrape, scaffolding to fall off of, murky water to sludge through and then realizing you might be the “Joe the Plumber” Sarah Palin was talking about…

Poultergeist – The suburbs are supposed to be safe. Away from the crime and congestion of the city while offering a sense of community that is nurtured through good neighbors. Well it just so happens that the previous neighbors are buried beneath you. Just about every pitfall of new home ownership is turned on end and broken apart. And now those kids keep messing with the damn pool filter.

The Departed – Real Estate Agents can be the worst. Nosy little buggers pretending like they care so they can get their commission as soon as possible. Do I have a Co-Signer? Yea, I do. Just make sure you show me a spot with a kitchen big enough for all the knuckle sandwiches I’ll be making. And clean up all these damn X’s throughout the damn movie. When the dust settles after you’re all unpacked, just when you finally buy into society’s labels of “Upper Middle Class” – BAM! You’re oozing life all over those hard-earned hard-wood floors.

Elvira: Mistress of the Dark – I don’t know anyone that’s ever said “Cost isn’t an issue”. Instead I roll with a crew that is constantly on the fix up. Here when Elvira inherits a rickety Victorian homestead in need of some TLC (no, not the cable channel or those chasing waterfalls) she enlists none other than the Wizard Master himself of NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET III: DREAM WARRIORS. Sit on your claw hammer sideways, Bob Vila.

American Psycho – Sometimes in this life, if you want something bad enough, you have to take it. You may have to kill for it, even if it’s an apartment. It’s not that I would ever endorse anything like murder, I’m too busy returning video tapes.

Fight Club – “Home was a condo on the fifteenth floor of a filing cabinet for widows and young professionals. The walls were solid concrete. A foot of concrete is important when your next-door neighbor lets their hearing aid go and have to watch game-shows at full volume. Or when a volcanic blast of debris that used to be your furniture and personal effects blows out of your floor-to-ceiling windows and sails flaming into the night. I suppose these things happen.” ‘Nuff said.

Single White Female – We’ve all either had siblings or roommates that have eaten our food without contributing or borrowed something without asking. Very few of us can relate to someone wanting to jack our identity by face-fucking our significant other and then trying to smash our face with a stiletto.

Fright Night – Neighbors can make or break a community. I guess when they’re vampires they can make you one of them or break your face! See what I did there? I’m so lonely. For all the joys of voyeurism there’s always someone that’s looking in on you as well, so before you go thinking you’re the coolest, Brewster, put down the tub of Vaseline and close the curtains.

Rear Window – Speaking of voyeurism you’d think someone would have gifted Jimmy Stewart a television instead of a pair of binoculars, but then Hitchcock wouldn’t have had much of a movie. Every time I watch it nowadays I imagine his cast full of pencils and Slim Jims like Chevy Chase had in COMMUNITY. That and wonder how much rent Jimmy is paying for that view that he doesn’t have any left over for a couple extra dead-bolts.

Bubba Ho-Tep – You never think where you’ll end up living the twilight of your life. It’s a sad truth to face one’s own mortality and to live your last days with dignity. It’s also a sad truth that this documentary chronicling Elvis’ epic battle with an ancient Egyptian evil serves as a testament to human spirit. Wait, what do you mean it’s not a documentary? Right. Next thing you’ll tell is that JFK isn’t black.

Re-Animator/Bride of Re-Animator – Roommates can be killer, especially if they don’t understand your work or your schedule. And imagine having to constantly need to rent a place with a basement laboratory. I can only imagine how many classifieds you’d have to circle. By the way, Cat’s dead, Details later.

The Vagrant – When you finally find your dream home it’s often at the expense of certain undesirables, whether it’s a Colonial Ranch style fixer-upper or a Gulf Stream double-wide. This often neglected VHS gem has all the charisma of Bill Paxton that he’d later channel in HBO’s BIG LOVE coupled with all the intellectual stimuli you’d find in his turns with ALIENS and WEIRD SCIENCE.

Moving – Certain towns have certain customs and certain states make it even harder to understand with accents. But it’s all about the journey, right? Wrong. You’re so wrong. No one should have to endure a cross dressing Dana Carvey. I can only imagine the amount of cocaine Richard Pryor must have needed to erase that from his mind. I can only tell you how much I think I still need…

Drive – It’s tough being a single mom, especially when your baby’s daddy is in the clink. Not many of us are lucky enough to call Ryan Gosling a neighbor, but if we could I’m sure it would play out like Kathy Bates in MISERY. Just when you start putting on those special underwear you’ve been saving for another day of car rides along the reservoir you sooner find yourself hosing off bits of brain off your shoes from one of the most romantic and bloody elevator rides you’ve ever taken. How’s that for neighborly?

Written by Zach Shildwachter

Zach Shildwachter is a genetically modified movie geek from Northeastern Ohio. His mutant power is being able to produce random movie quotes and trivia about films no one seems to know about or care for. A self taught artist and perpetual writer, Zach flexes these talents without abandon and consequentially without recognition. Check out his ramblings and misadventures at Bloodsprayer and Awkward Creations.

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