The Top 5: Xmas Horror Movies Worse than a Lump of Coal in Your Stocking
Avoid these yuletide crank yankers at all costs.
Over the course of this site’s short run (since 2009 baby!) I’ve seen a lot of bad movies. I’ve seen a lot of good ones too, but for whatever reason its the bad ones that tend to stick with you – sorta like a stale licorice stick. Some of these experiences have been self inflicted (most of them actually) while others have been unintentional casualties on the part of otherwise decent individuals who have given them as gifts, trades or freebies. This time of the year especially is rife with these sorts of films dredged from the local supermarket discount bins with titles that sound tailor made for any horror fan but actually conceal cleverly packaged pieces of crap.
Without channeling my inner Grinch (though it would be kickass if my voice sounded like Boris Karloff) over these horrid abominations of celluloid I wanted to warn others about these Xmas movie duds before anyone gets hurt. The following are 5 notorious holiday horror suspects that you should avoid at all costs. Its hard to say that these are in any discernible order – they’re all equally offensive. Seriously, people, just say no.
#5 Two Front Teeth (2008)
The most forgivable entry on this list, Jamie Nash’s Two Front Teeth has so many cool concepts crammed in this film that you really want it to work. There’s killer elves, nun assassins, holiday-themed conspiracies and – oh yeah – Santa Claus is a vampire. A VAMPIRE! That’s pretty gonzo, its just a shame that the film falls short of being a classic holiday horror.
#4 A Christmas Nightmare (2001)
Not to be confused with A Nightmare Before Christmas, Vince Di Meglio’s Christmas Nightmare isn’t even a true horror movie. The only reason it made this list is because it sneaks in as a slasher. The plot, which finds a couple going into protective custody after witnessing a murder, is a slow burn with “implied violence” throughout. Yawn. (Note: I couldn’t even find footage of this film so I opted to show this awesome screenshot from Christmas Evil instead.)
#3 One Hell of a Christmas (2002)
The fact that the director’s name is Shaky Gonzalez should be a dead giveaway here, but I can see where a Night of the Demons fan might be swayed by the cover artwork. Unfortunately, despite the demonic association One Hell of a Christmas is another experiment in holiday horror homicide. When an ex-con goes looking to reconnect with his son he gets caught up in “one last job” that involves a demon, bad Danish subbing and… well, just watch the clip above.
#2 Deadly Little Christmas (2009)
Again, another film with no trailer – though I was able to get an image this time – Deadly Little Christmas is a sloppy, stereotypical slasher with more regurgitated ideas than an ABC Family TV series. The main plot, which totally riffs on John Carpenter’s Halloween has a boy who kills his father on Christmas (there’s a sexy maid and adultery involved) only to grow up in a mental institution for 15 years and break out and start killing again.
#1 Slaughter Claus (2011)
This year brings us yet another indie horror dedicated to spreading its yuletide sickness, Slaughter Claus. Much like its predecessors Slaughter Claus is a low-budget affair with weak special effects and stale performances that come off as if a bunch of friends threw it together over the weekend. Tortuous, lingering scenes and erratic storytelling earn Slaughter Claus the #1 spot on this list… at least until next year’s filth.
I haven’t actually seen any of these films in their entirety so my opinions could be considered baseless. That said… I warned you.