For the Love of Conan: Co-Nan or Co-Not?

For the Love of Conan…sounds like a title reserved for a sitcom right? That is not the intention of my post, even though a Conan starring in a sitcom where he must live with his in-laws who attempt to civilize him week after week sounds more awesome than “awesome sauce”. I have left The Man-Cave to guest star on the Strange Kids Club today to explore those who use the name Conan for whatever reason and decide if they are candidates to be Co-Nan or Co-Not. It’s a play or words. Get it? Yeah, right…let’s move on.

What is in a name? Check out my following list and you decide if he is totally Co-Nan or so Co-Not really.

Jason Momoa

Jason Momoa, the new Barbarian

Obviously I have not seen the new Conan The Barbarian film adaption, but I’m going gamble that Momoa hooks up with Rachel Nichols and possibly battles Stephen Lang, Ron Perlman and ex-WWE star Nathan Jones in epic battles. He also plays Khal Drogo in the epic Game of Thrones.

Add all of these positives up and it’s easy to label this Mr. Momoa as a Co-Nan!

Ah-nuld

Arnold Schwarzenegger: the two-time, two-time Conan, sucka!

Of course Ah-nuld should be added to this list. It would be blasphemy otherwise. Not only is he the originator of Conan films, but he physically brought the comic book character to life. Personally, I always think of him as Conan The Destroyer over The Barbarian for several reasons including:

• The sequel was simply better than the original (ducks). The Barbarian was great but The Destroyer was greater.
• He killed more formidable opponents in Superman II’s Ursa (Sarah Douglas as Queen Taramis) and Mr. 100 points in a game/1 million women in a lifetime basketball legend (Wilt “The Stilt” Chamberlain as Bombaata) in the sequel opposed to Darth Vader (James Earl Jones as Thulsa Doom) turning into a snake in the original.
• And lastly, he gets with Olivia D’Abo (Princess Jehnna) AKA the hottie I was going to marry in my youth. She is distractingly attractive in this film, on The Wonder Years and anywhere else she pops up. She scorching like the sun even nowadays. The woman just does not seem to age no matter how many years have passed…like a vampire.

Wait, where was I? Oh yes, Conan The Destroyer. How cool is this Destroyer Conan? Toward the middle of the film, Arnold’s Conan drunkenly admits that he wants to bang a warrior chick like Grace Jones to D’Abo and then waives off her advances by falling asleep, which all completely plays out D’Abo in the process. After salting her game, he STILL makes her his queen and FTW in the process! What a pimp!

Or should I say, what a Co-Nan?!

Conan O’Brien

Conan O’Brien, chic geek extraordinaire

Sure he’s over 6 feet tall but he’s also a skinny flail pasty skinned ginger. That being said, he is also a filthy rich celebrity who does not sport a “me first” attitude. Even when he was screwed out of the Tonight Show gig which was rightfully his, he managed to hold out of signing on with another network for a late night talk show until he secured a job for everyone one of his staff members at TBS, who were given the shaft along with him at NBC. Not mention that during the writer’s strike a couple years back, he was the only host paying each staff member every single day of the strike out of his own pocket. O’Brien is a stud and a team player. Sure his ratings and notoriety are not as strong being on cable than they were on a major network, but he is financially set for life with the happiest crew in television all having a ball goofing off for a living on TBS. And he is not afraid to laugh at himself.

Mr. CO’B is without a doubt a Co-Nan.

Konnan

Konnan (pronounced “Conan”)

You remember the pro wrestler Konnan, right? No? He was a former WCW U.S. Champion and nWo hanger-on with Hulk Hogan? Still not ringing a bell? Yeah you probably forgot all about him and for good reason. He went from having a “lucha libre pride” gimmick in Ted Turner’s promotion to being a latino gangsta, yo. He used to come to the ring and do shout-outs in Spanish. That was his shtick and it was staler than two month old bread. I always read that he was a complete dick backstage and always made more enemies than friends in the wrestling business. Add in the fact that he is probably one of the most overrated ring performers who can easily put you to sleep with his promos and…

it safe to award our first Co-Not to Konnan.

Marcus “Conan” Silveira

I’ll admit that I wanted to finish off with five entries and could not think of anyone else barring the Conan namesake. Leave it to Google though. I found this mixed martial arts fighter who compiled a 6-4 record in ten contests, which kinda sucks for MMA but at least he is over .500, right? Two major hurdles getting him to ‘Nan status is the fact that he has never made anyone tap out, but he submitted in two of his four losses. Also, I found out that he was incarcerated during 2003-2006 after being busted dealing ecstasy in some huge smuggling ring. I can’t really find out any more information on him except that he is 6’ 3” and a trained fighter who would mop the floor with me using only his pinky toe. However, compared to the likes of O’Brien, Ah-nuld and Momoa, Mr. Silveira calls himself “Conan” but I just applied the Co-Not tag on him. For the love of God, please don’t tell him that. He’s actually a real bad mamma jamma.

Beebeda-beebeda-beebeda, that’s all folks! Thanks for reading my babble on the SKC, my home away from home, and make sure to check out the new Conan The Barbarian this weekend.

Did I miss any of your favorite or least favorite Conans. Tell it to us in a comment below, because if we are not keeping track of all the world’s Conans, then what are we really doing on Earth?