The Top 10: Things I Learned from “Conan the Barbarian” (1982)
Who needs Richard Simmons when you have Conan the Cimmerian?
#1 Watch out for warning signs
When you see a tattooed ginger with a Doobie Brothers mustache crouching on a rock outside of your village, breathing all heavy and stuff, your village is about to get attacked.
#2 The perfect workout
If you just push a giant wooden wheel around for 10 years or so, you become perfectly toned and grow awesome metal hair!
#3 Practice safe sex
Hooking up with random chicks just isn’t safe – they could be witches.
#4 The Family Tree of theology
Apparently, my god lives underneath Subotai’s god.
#5 Snakes hate sweat
Never, ever, ever drip sweat on a giant snakes eyeball. They hate that shit.
#6 Barbarian survival training
Fun fact: You can kill a full grown buzzard by just biting its neck a lot.
#7 Don’t trust old men w/ straight-cut bangs… ever
When you think you’re the number one sweetheart of an old sorcerer with straight-cut bangs, but then you let yourself get captured and then chained to a rock, when you see him next, he’s not coming to rescue you, he’s coming to shoot a snake arrow at you.
#8 Big boys don’t cry
Conan, a Cimmerian, does not cry.
#9 Take care of your toys
Never, ever, ever hit the helmet behind the boulder with you giant war mallet!
#10 Even broken toys can be useful
Huh… Turns out that you can behead someone with a broken sword! Who knew?