The Top 10: Things I Learned from “Conan the Barbarian” (1982)

Who needs Richard Simmons when you have Conan the Cimmerian?

#1 Watch out for warning signs

When you see a tattooed ginger with a Doobie Brothers mustache crouching on a rock outside of your village, breathing all heavy and stuff, your village is about to get attacked.

#2 The perfect workout

If you just push a giant wooden wheel around for 10 years or so, you become perfectly toned and grow awesome metal hair!

#3 Practice safe sex

Hooking up with random chicks just isn’t safe – they could be witches.

#4 The Family Tree of theology

Apparently, my god lives underneath Subotai’s god.

#5 Snakes hate sweat

Never, ever, ever drip sweat on a giant snakes eyeball. They hate that shit.

#6 Barbarian survival training

Fun fact: You can kill a full grown buzzard by just biting its neck a lot.

#7 Don’t trust old men w/ straight-cut bangs… ever

When you think you’re the number one sweetheart of an old sorcerer with straight-cut bangs, but then you let yourself get captured and then chained to a rock, when you see him next, he’s not coming to rescue you, he’s coming to shoot a snake arrow at you.

#8 Big boys don’t cry

Conan, a Cimmerian, does not cry.

#9 Take care of your toys

Never, ever, ever hit the helmet behind the boulder with you giant war mallet!

#10 Even broken toys can be useful

Huh… Turns out that you can behead someone with a broken sword! Who knew?