Wednesday, Apr. 23, 2014

BAD ISSUE Presents: Oasis Of The Zombies

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January 5, 2011

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Bad Issue is a regular feature where Jose Cruz combines his love for cheesy genre films and the paneled pages of comics to create macabre movies-in-a-minute.

Today’s gutless glory is concerned with an oasis, one that just so happens to be filled with the reanimated remains of slain Nazi soldiers! But who wants to see a movie about that? Instead the REAL story here is about a group of college students who decide to get their tanning groove on and find some hidden treasure in the process.

Oh, and there’s something about long-lost fathers and random dudes with mustaches who know everything. Sound incoherent? You bet it is! Will the teenagers get the chance to party in the sun? Will anyone make it out of the oasis of death alive? Will the zombie ever actually show up? Stay tuned to find out!

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Our tale begins in the arid deserts of some country I can’t pronounce. Two happenin’ chicks, let’s call them Marcia and Jan, have just cruised into the shady depths of a nearby oasis in their dune buggy. Jan is offended by a rotten odor that wafts through the air, and Marcia feels the same way…

As they walk on, sweaty hand in manicured palm, a horrible cry breaks the still air. It is the awful Cry of the Zombies and it’s the last thing the two ladies hear before the living dead descend upon them in a flurry of bumpy skin and raging libidos. Too bad the zombies didn’t think much of Jan’s sense of style…

Meanwhile miles and a completely different plotline away, the evil Mr. Albatross has just discovered the location of the lost Nazi gold when an old enemy from the past makes a surprise visit…

Mr. Albatross’s camel, however, is none too thrilled with his latest cinematic excursion…

Never one to pass up on a good story though, the camel illustrates a flashback for the audience through the use of front porch colloquialism and interpretative dance. He tells of a bloodsoaked battle that took place during WWII when a fleet of Nazi soldiers were gunned down in order to end their sadistic reign and claim some of their booty in the process. Some soldiers were willing to die for what they believed in…

One of the brave comrades who fought against the Swastika Scourge makes himself comfortable in a nearby home after the battle. Perhaps a bit too comfortable as he soon finds out on a trip to the kitchen…

Having duly relieved himself in the leftovers, the hero decides to seek the pleasures of the female body. His charming sense of humor is irrepressible though…

Tiring of his camel hogging all the attention, the evil Mr. Albatross blows the animal’s brains out before he can get to the good parts of his story. Oh well. Hey, let’s focus on these college kids instead! Everyone’s excited to check out the hottest new hangout, but Ernie’s down in the dumps due to space…

The teens are then lead to the Oasis of DOOOOM by a perky tour guide who loves to delve into all the wonderful attractions in store for them…

But the next thing you know those pesky face munchers have awoken from their sandy slumber to give everyone a really bad time. Ivana Poolfinger, Mr. Albatross’s equally evil female sidekick/lover/ski partner, has a plan to fight back against the zombies that has the mustached murderer skeptical…

But alas, upon a flash of Ivana’s exposed chest accessories, one zombie’s memory is jogged and he is forced to ask a pleading question…

What follows is a lot of gross stuff involving blood and milk that is best left unsaid. Albatross really doesn’t fare any better when he tries to escape and is held up by a rambunctious skin chewer…

In the nearby mecca, the college deadheads stumble upon a film shoot and discover all the wonders that the city life holds…

Having received a gnarly hicky from his rotting encounter, Albatross slowly gives into the gibbering realms of complete and utter lunacy by quoting Mel Brooks movies…

At the same house where that rugged hero from our flashback story defiled both the beautiful daughter of the household and the Meatloaf Surprise, the girl’s father prepares to meet Johnny, the leader of the college tribe, who is in fact the product of said defilement (DUN DUN DUN!)…

Later that night at the oasis campsite, the teens begin to get a little frisky despite some massive human chomping and mutilation. One sport’s mojo is on the low-jo, so his female companion offers him some kind words of advice…

And just as the chap’s charisma is restored, the zombies bust in and decide to have their way with his girlfriend instead. The naughty revenants tickle the girl’s skin with their fangs, but the bombshell has other problems on her mind…

With the college kids dropping like flies, a distressed Johnny quickly weeps a final request to his beloved to find out if she is truly lost…

Taking a break from all the slaughtering, one zombie calls out for some epidermal assistance…

By this point the movie is making no sense whatsoever, so the befuddled director asks the rotting crew a question…

Turns out the deadites’ one weakness is fire (whodathunkit?!)! But these bad mamma jammas sing out their hearts and boogie till the very end…

With all the stinking Nazis finally dead for the second time, Johnny and some other cute chick from the group head off. Johnny’s long lost father also reappears (whodaseenit?!) to offer some apologies for his parental hangups…

And that brings our completely confusing and practically zombie-free film to a close. Johnny and his daddy go get some ice cream and go to the movies, Albatross goes on to create “The Jersey Shore”, and the Nazi zombies return to star in the latest Jennifer Aniston romantic comedy coming to a theater near you. But at the end of the day, I’m left with only one question burning in my brain…

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Jose Cruz

Jose Cruz is just a simple guy who enjoys the simple things in life… like vampires, werewolves, zombies, blood, horror, and Halloween. Oh, and gorilla henchmen. When he’s not enjoying these things he writes about them over at his blog, From Beyond Depraved.