Back in the day, if you weren’t some kind of mutant monstrosity you might as well have balled up in a corner and cry yourself to death because Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles were the sh*t. Inspiring a complete onslaught of animated goodness and action-oriented merchandise, the franchise spawned hundreds of toys, vehicles and accessories over a ten year period that only got increasingly more insane.
At a certain point you can just tell that series co-creators Laird and Eastman were just having fun seeing what weird, gross or otherwise f*cked up toy design they could peddle onto toy shelves. Granted that doesn’t mean that these figures weren’t cool as hell (and by all standards still are) but come on, we were just kids. Kids damn you! Won’t anyone think of the children?!
Regardless, parents kept scooping up these crazy concoctions to placate the adolescent masses and so Playmates kept asking for more. Believe it or not some of these characters even made it as far as to appear on Saturday morning television. I guess being a mutant makes it all okay (hey, Troma used the same tactic with Toxie). So, without further ado, let’s count down the Top 10 Most Bizarre TMNT Action Figures of All Time.
|#10 Star Trek Turtles (1991)
This is perhaps the oddest (not mention cheap) mergers of pop culture properties that I’ve ever seen. Mutant turtles, trained in ninjutsu posing as the cast of a sci-fi drama? Really?
|#9 Heavy Metal Raph (1991)
Speaking of odd, I think the designers here got “hair metal” confused with “heavy metal.” I mean poor Raph here looks like some weird cross between Vince Neil (Mötley Crüe) and Walker Texas Ranger.
|#8 Crazy Clownin’ Mike (1991)
we already now that clowns are creepy, so I have to ask why? Why would a mutant or a ninja (much less a creature that’s both) ever need to dress like a clown to fight crime. There’s absolutely nothing cool about birthday clowns. Ever.
|#7 Mondo Gecko (1991)
Mondo is the least strangest mutation on this list and that’s saying something. Despite his bug eyes and Gene Simmons tongue, this lizard is only the tip of the iceberg.
|#6 Wingnut & Screwloose (1990)
Take a long hard look Man-Bat because this is your future, full blown gut et al. Wingnut is strange enough on his own, looking like a dried turd, but he also comes with an equally nutty sidekick to seal the deal.
|#5 Muck Man & Joe Eyeball (1990)
The poor man’s Swamp Thing, Muck Man was another toy to come with a creepy sidekick. Unfortunately this dumpster encrusted duo lacks the gusto to hang with the much tougher Garbage Pail Kids.
|#4 Space Usagi (1991)
How do you take a mutant, samurai rabbit from ancient Japan and make him more out of place? You just put him in space with a cape and give him cyborg enhanced body parts of course!
|#3 Pizza Face (1991)
Pizza Face, just like Quato from Total Recall, proves that sometimes its the things you don’t see that are the freakiest. Plus, WTF happened to his pinky finger?!
|#2 Wrym (1988)
This is where the sh*t hits the fan. Wyrm is like a crack-happy Muppet who stumbled onto the set of H.R. Pufnstuf before getting busted for possession. With more wiggly appendages than a prison yard gangbang, though, I think he’ll do just fine on the inside.
|#1 Mutagen Man (1990)
Scrape the sh*t off the fan, toss it in a blender and hit purée. Then, take two scoops and toss it in a humanoid death trap. Add two, floating eyes that stare at you incessantly and stir. Creepiest kids toy ever.